Me, Me and Me!!!

   I think I lead a sheltered life. As yet, I’ve never even come close to experiencing death. Not even my pets (excluding the fish).. My only dead relative would be my grandfather and he passed away when I was a wee baby and I can’t remember a single thing. In fact, I think I didn’t even go for the funeral. I think they didn’t want a baby there..

   At times, I truly thank God that I’ve never had to see death or meet death before. So far, life’s been all about LIFE! Maybe that contributes a lot to my optimism and happy-go-lucky ways.. Sometimes, I wonder, what if, one day Star dies.. Like say he gets run over by a car or something. Honestly, I can’t fathom what or how I would feel inside.. Its just something I can’t imagine.

   Or sometimes I have friends sharing with me about how one of their friends passed away in car accidents.. Or about how their grandparents passed away due to old age.. And I’m like real sad, but.. Its not me who’s friend has passed away.. So, one part of me wonders what if that was my friend.. What then? And one part of me thanks God that I don’t have to go through such an experience. (Heh, I’m starting to ramble.. So, I’ll keep this short)

Well, recently, I feel death has been slowly looming up on me.
Its like I know soon, very very soon someone close is going to pass away..
And all the signs are here,
and it could happen anytime…. now…

My grandaunt,
the one who took care of me when I was a baby,
fed me washed me taught me loved me…
Well, she’s 80+ and….getting weak.
When I was young she probably took care of me more than my own parents did.
She slept in the same room with me,
took care of me when my parents were at work.

Well, some years ago..
She developed cancer..
And she underwent surgery and thank God, came out alive,
albeit much suffering..
She has a deformed jaw,
and been eating nothing except for porridge for the past 4/5 years..
And she turned senile, lost her memory..
Once she couldn’t even remember my name,
I was so shocked, and hurt..
I never imagined her condition could be so bad..
I cried,
and made her remember my name.
Repeating my name to her many many times,
telling her to never never forget it…
And she promised me she would not.

Nowadays, she can’t really remember people anymore..
She’s forgotten my cousins and my brothers,
I thank God though, that at least she still remembers me..

Nowadays, her condition’s getting a lot worse.
She can’t walk straight anymore.
can’t talk properly..just mumbles..

I found out today,
that she hasn’t been eating or drinking for two days.
Two freaking days!!
Shit..
And I only found out today, just now.
Two freaking hours ago!
Effing..

Dear God,
I really really don’t want her to die..
At least not before I have the assurance I’m going to see her in heaven.
If she’s in pain,
I’ll rather she go quickly.
But but please dear God, she has to believe in YOU
and know that YOU are the one true God and that YOU
died on the cross for HER…
She has to know this..

Well, the problem, dear people is..
She’s gotten senile, you see..
And she might say the sinner’s prayer today and say that she accepts God,
but then just ask her a few minutes later,
just a few freaking minutes later,
and she would have forgotten all about it.
And thinks that she’s buddhist or whatever..
She just so doesn’t get it..
How am I ever going to help her understand??
Ohh, the urgency!
I just want her to know that YOU, God Almighty love her..
How do I tell her that
make her understand that
and most importantly, remember that..
AND believe it, with all her heart..

God, I need a miracle from you.
And Lord, this night,
I only pray and ask one thing
with all my heart and I hope
my soul as well,
that you grant me a miracle!
Cause I really do need and want one.

Lord, please please don’t let her die..
Not before she knows the truth and the light..

And lastly, dear God,
I think I have never told her that
I LOVE HER..
These three words, so meaningful,
yet….

Lord, give me the chance to tell her this.
I want her to hear it,
from my very own lips..
I want her to know,
that yes, indeed, I truly do love her..

Take care of her and keep her safe..

And Lord, yes,
I think I can say,
that yes, I do indeed love her..

And I regret all this years,
of taking things for granted.
It just seems that things that are lost
forever
are just appreciated so much more….

I regret not spending more time with her,
I just realise,
that I don’t know much about her childhood.
This makes me wonder,
all my ancestors…
what vast knowledge they have stored in their minds,
what colourful and dear memories they must have,
and yet, we, grandchildren, just don’t take the time to talk to them..
What? Boring people…
That’s our presumption..
Oh, what we are depriving ourselves from.

Please, dear friends,
don’t wait till its too late.
Promise me, that you’ll spend time with your grandparents
Tell them that YOU LOVE THEM.
I guarantee you,
the smile on their faces,
will be so worth it.

   I am so bored.. I know I should be sleeping, but I dun feel like it. So right now, I’m sitting in front of my com doin nothing.. *sigh* I haven’t been blogging for ages.. Well, don’t expect frequent posts from now on. I’ll be taking a break to study for spm.

   Let me voice my fears. I dun feel like studying for spm yet. I KNOW I should. And I will, so dun you dare start nagging at me.. But well, I can’t work up the mood to study. Hmm, well, I sure hope I manage to force myself to study sometime soon. Starting tomorrow, I hope..

   Well, some updates on life. Firstly, go vote for KRYS!! At https://www.pgi.com.my/guesswriter_ctg_b.aspx
Go vote for her okay? She got shortlisted for that mph essay competition that I mentioned awhile back. She’s got a really great story and I support her completely. Go vote!! I insist! Hmm, btw, I din get shortlisted. And yea, I was dissapointed. But not anymore. So long as I know I gave it my best..

   Okay, moving on.. Well, remember that AFS student-exchange thingy? Well, I got chosen! Yay! =D Hmm, but I’m still waiting for their letter of confirmation. I hope I get it this week, and my host family’s info soon too. I need some good news to cheer me up. Well, it’ll either be Italy or Spain. Both ways, it’ll be cool. So long as I get to go.

   I hurt my toe last night. A plank fell on it, and a chunk of skin came out. It stung like crap at first, but it looked fine, like a minor accident. So, i ignored it. Then, blood started gushing out. Like A LOT of blood, and it was flowing all over my toe.. But well, I found it kinda cool, cos by then, my toe was numb and there was no pain.. So, yea.. It was like watching a blood-covered toe and it doesn’t feel like my toe because there’s no pain, but it is my toe. It’s like watching something gory yet you can’t quite tear your eyes away from it. Neway,its covered with a plaster now.

   Hmm, my class farewell dinner was last night. We had it over at Ang Shiou’s condo and it was real fun. The whole class was there, except for Seng Yoon. Oh well, he din want to come anyway.. The food was delicious albeit messy. The water and the pool was fun fun fun!! Too bad I couldn’t jump into the pool. I sooo wanted to. Me and Sasa made a great couple and we won all the games! Lolz, we dominated man… YAY!!! Hurray to me and Sasa! (goodness, she’s gonna kill me if she sees i’ve called her sasa in my blog)

   Hmm, mr michael joined the guys and drank whiskey that night. Hmm.. I still have mixed feelings over that teacher, can’t say if I hate him or tolerate him. I have a feeling the final EST paper carries a lot of weight in this matter. If he gives me a 40something again, I’ll have his neck over it. Especially since I slaved over the testimonials for him..

   Okie, I’m rambling.. I realise that. Kay, I’ll cut all this short and pop off to bed now. Hehe, I dun feel bored anymore. Not one bit =) I love blogging!

  See ya all you hot dudes and chicks! Love all of you! NItez! =D

P.S : I know that tonight’s post went round in circles and nothing much was communicated.. But well, just to let you know that I’m alive and kicking and well. =)